Archive for the Love Category

Self-Preservation and Love

Posted in Life, Love, Relationships, Self-Love with tags , , , , , on 29/01/2012 by Bitsofki

Yesterday, while waiting to cross the street and singing a Taylor Swift song to myself, I thought (not for the first time) that we seem to applaud a person’s lack of self-preservation if it’s in the name of “Love”.

The song that I was singing was “If This Was A Movie” which has a line that goes

Come back to me Eli… If this was a movie.. Stand in the rain outside, til I came out

And as I crossed the street I realised that after said Eli catches a cold, she’ll have to make him soup and all that stuff. That aside, it makes no sense to catch a cold unnecessarily: why can’t you talk in a warm, dry place? And who wants to be lip locking with a blocked-nosed, sneezing person? Not smart

Anyway, today, while on Facebook, I saw this status update:

“Genuine love isn’t a passive, quivering mass of good feelings. Genuine love is a deliberate, intentional, honest, and even painful giving up of self-preservation for another person’s good.”

Of course, red flags went a-flying at “giving up of self-preservation for another person’s good” and I commented as such. The owner then went on to tell me that it means “giving up the “I”, which you have taken good care of because there’s someone worthy and deserving of being part of your “we”“. I clapped once because I felt that this is such nonsense. Even tweeted it. The owner of the status said that she quoted the status from a book but I don’t know or think that her explanation comes from that book.

I really don’t see why one would have to give up “I” for “we” when “we” is made up of two separate beings called “I”. And how can you call the “we” yours? It’s not “your “we”” that you’re making someone a part of: you are making a “we” with that someone. That’s just the way that I see it. Which takes me back to the problem of self-preservation.

How does a lack or surrender of self-preservation become part of love? Why? How does having a seemingly low regard for your own well-being mean that you love someone? Where exactly does this make any sense? A lack of self-preservation, to me, indicates a psychological problem. This is the part where I shrug and sip some Oros.

Standing in the rain is not romantic, it’s silly. Jumping in front of trains, catching grenades and all the stuff isn’t romantic or smart. But it’s just a song, right? It’s just a status update, right? It’s just a comment, right? It’s just a bunch of words, right? OK then, let the toxic relationships, I mean good times, roll


The M Word

Posted in Life, Love, Relationships with tags , , , , on 05/01/2012 by Bitsofki

“Nothing lasts forever” and “everything ends” are phrases that people use to explain the demise of relationships (business, romantic, platonic etc) or other things. And those phrases are true: especially when it comes to marriage.

Marriage: th M-Word that freaks a lot of people out a little, myself included. I feel that marriage isn’t taken seriously and one may respond with the quote “Life is too important to be taken seriously”. That doesn’t matter to me, what does is the nonchalance and lack of foresight with which people say “I do” (or whatever). Marriage is too important to NOT be taken seriously. I don’t think it’s a smart choice to marry someone after a whirlwind romance, especially if you haven’t lived with them. I’m a reluctant, slightly bashful romantic and I think that you should only marry a person when you have the highest degree of certainty that your chosen person is the one for you. And I don’t think that a short time is enough for that.

I’m sure that there are a lot of people who got married after a short period of knowing each other and their marriages survived but why risk it? Why? I don’t get it. They say that you KNOW when you want to marry someone but that doesn’t mean that you can stand them for the rest of your life. THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
Of course, you can write your own vows and not include that notion but why get married if you want out? You can’t keep one foot out the door: you’re either in or out.

Every single marriage ends: 100% guaranteed. Why? Because people DIE. All marriages end in one of two ways: death or divorce. I’d prefer for mine to end in death than in divorce.
Don’t get me wrong, please, I would never kill my spouse for leaving me. Love and general decency doesn’t allow for that, never mind the law.

I really think that people should get to KNOW each other before getting married. I mean, what if your partner has habits that you can’t stand? Or beliefs that you can’t stomach? Or allergies? In the movie “The Family Stone”, Sarah Jessica Parker’s character didn’t know that her boyfriend is allergic to mushrooms. And he was going to propose. I know that doesn’t sound major but sometimes these things contribute to the demise of an already weak marriage.

I want to know the person that will be my spouse: thoroughly. I know that not too much is certain but I know this: Love is NOT enough. I also know that sometimes, things really don’t work out and divorce is the best route. But we should not adopt the mentality that divorce and marriage go hand in hand: we should adopt the mentality that marriage is serious and should not be entered in lightly or when one is packed full of doubts. And let’s not rush things.

I’m Yours

Posted in Love, Relationships with tags , , , , on 25/11/2011 by Bitsofki

Love doesn’t thrive when it is caged, it needs to free. Free to ebb and flow and surround you. And possession is a problem: so often, we want to have and hold love but it never seems to work. And even in the case of love that isn’t caged: there’s still this urge to say “I’m yours”.

What I think we need to learn and accept is that saying “I’m Yours” does not mean that the other person feels the same. I think it’s not fair or rational to assume such but rationality tends to pale in the presence of love, yes? I’d like to be rational in my dealings and I try to be. I try to look at things from all sides but I fail, sometimes.

Regardless, I’m Yours. And I know that that does not make you mine and it’s not enough to make you mine.

#I’m Yours is also a song by Jason Mraz. I like it 🙂

Oh Sweet Closure

Posted in Life, Love, Relationships on 13/11/2011 by Bitsofki

Here I am, finally got WordPress for Blackberry installed on this phone, feeling good (for lack of a better phrase). I’m not a supporter of BlackBerry: I’m a Nokia fan but circumstances have led to me being in possession of a BB so I might as well run with it. Anyway, I’m feeling good because I have finally been told why I was treated with disrespect and in the words of Vivian Green: “Disregard for me and my feelings”

I finally got through to this boy and after some confusion of sorts, he told me why things went the way that they did. It was a result of immaturity. I was just glad to know why I suffered the sadness that I did. He told me that he’s sorry and he asked if I didn’t want to slap him. I really don’t.

The closure is just so refreshing, the issue feels like it’s truly resolved. And of course, my curiosity has been assuaged. Thing is, even when the rage and depression and sadness fade, the need to know remains. And now I know 🙂

Love and Reason

Posted in Love, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on 06/09/2011 by Bitsofki

As we go through life, we learn that the ability to reason and be logical is favourable. And can you really dispute that? Being able to think things through and (rationally) justify one’s actions is a valuable skill that isn’t very common. As much as reason is important and stuff, I don’t think that it’s required for love.

By reason, I mean justification. I suppose that I’m whimsical or whatever but that’s just me. I love Adele’s “21” and i was listening to “Don’t You Remember” just the other day and she sang “Don’t you remember? Don’t you remember the reason you loved me before?” and she sang it well.

Why exactly should you have reasons to or for loving someone? Why can’t you just love them and let love be? Possibly, the first person to ask another why they loved their darling, just wanted to know more about the darling. Like a chance to talk more about the darling person. Then somehow, this got twisted into what it is today: reasons for loving someone.

Or it could just be an extension of our logic: trying to make love systematic and orderly. Making sure it’s not an arbitary thing. Maybe we do end up with reasons but does it really start like that?

I think it starts as love. Nothing more, nothing less. No reasons, justification, qualification, elaboration or any other -ation. It’s just “I love X” then time, logic, conversation and the need to make sure that we’re being rational, make us start to say “I love X because… X is kind/funny/ insert whatever feature you like her“. Or maybe not.

Either way, I love you, without rhyme or reason but with all of my heart.

Life Goes On

Posted in Love, Relationships with tags , , , , , , , , on 29/07/2011 by Bitsofki

Me? I’m realistic and a dreamer, a lover at heart. A romantic who happens to live in this thing called the real world. In the real world, (some) people live: regardless of what happens. That’s why I find the idea that your life won’t go on if you lose someone close to you, to be quite silly.

Yo read correctly. Life will go on because that’s what happens: life goes on and you keep living. You’ll keep breathing, keep going to work (maybe after taking leave). The rent still needs to be paid, tests have to be written, you still need to pass. You’ll still need to brush your teeth, eat, shower, sleep. All because life goes on.

If you lose someone you love, you’ll live. If you don’t off yourself first, but you’ll still need to live long enough to decide and implement your suicide plan. You’ll live, possibly with a gaping hole where your heart used to be. You’ll eat, even if it’s off of a paper plate because you can’t bear to eat off of the glass one that you shared before. You’ll shower, even if your shower feels too spacious because you’re alone. You’ll sleep, even if your bed feels colder because there’s a body missing. You’ll live, even if your life feels empty because they’re gone. you’ll live because life goes on.

Life goes on because that’s just how the story goes. Losing someone special to you doesn’t make life stop. You’ll live. I’m not saying that it will be pleasant or smooth. I’m not saying that you won’t be sad for a period of time or that you won’t die inside. I’m just saying that you’ll live because life goes on.

Of Love And Loss Thereof

Posted in Love, Relationships with tags , , , , , , , , , on 28/07/2011 by Bitsofki

I was on Facebook the other day, skimming through updates and stuff when something caught my eye. This something was a status along the lines of  ”you know you were never right for someone when..” and this is followed by an invitation to complete the sentence. So I did.

I also added my 5c (I don’t have 2c coins but I do have a jar full of 5c coins). First things first: how I completed the sentence. I said that you reach said realisation when that person is a part of your past and not your present. Second things second (I’ve never read or heard that before, to my conscious knowledge): I think that it’s not right of one to say that they were never right for someone or vice versa.

I mean, sure, it sound sweet or cool to say that when you’re in a new relationship and happier than you’ve ever been or when you’re depressed and engaged in biased retrospection. However, regardless of what kind of relationship you were in (yes, I said it), it seems to be contradictory to say such. Why?  Because at some point, you were right for that person or they were for you, otherwise you would never have been together in the first place. At some point, you were right for each other: you were together, happy and shared things with each other. It would be rather disrespectful to that love (or affection or whatever feeling) to say that you were never right for someone. that statement seems, to me, to negate the existence of all the time that you shared with that particular person. That person was right for you then and you should honour that. Or at least, don’t try to act like it wasn’t good at some point.

Love lost or dried up – or whatever you want to say happened to it – is still LOVE. And love deserves to be cherished and celebrated. Even if someone hurts you, they give you something. You learn something. Instead of speaking of that someone in a disparaging manner, why not celebrate that you’re wiser? That you experienced love? That you were happy? And something you should learn (and celebrate in some cases) is that some things just aren’t made to last.